The time has come, my little friends...

You asked, I answer. Walt, you may want to skip over these first few questions...

1) When was the last time you had sex, and did you have an orgasm?

Just for you "buttersnatch," last night, heh. I'm always looking for an excuse to make Tim put out! As for the second part of the question, nope. I think that highlights a fundamental difference between guys and girls: for us it isn't always about the orgasm, because you can get that warm, fuzzy, totally satisfied feeling (both physical and emotional) without a climax. Don't get me wrong though, orgasms are fucking fantastic (punny!) and I am very happy to say that Tim has mad skillz in that area.

2) Comment deleted

3) Pads or tampons?

Hi, it's 2006, tampons. I can't believe they even still make pads. All you need is one major accident (purple shorts, seventh grade, I'm still traumatized because I had to call my goddamned DAD to get permission to go home and change) and you will never again make that mistake. I don't wear anything at night (except granny panties) because I feel gravity is in my favor there. Except when I want some action, then I highly recommend these.

4) Can I ask why was the comment [question #2] deleted?

You'd have to ask the author, I never saw it.

5) I want to know how to debone a fish or roast a chicken.

One word: Martha. But I'll say it twice so I can give you two links: Martha, again.

6) What is the remedy for apathy at work?

Well first you have to decide what the problem is, you or the workplace. If it's the particular workplace rather than your profession in general you can ask your boss ask for some more challenging projects, or volunteer to take on additional responsibilities that are outside of your job and could give you a breather from the same old grind. But we all know that's probably not going to help. So start looking for a new job.

If it's more of a personal problem than a situational issue, you're just going to have to determine what motivates you. For most of us the desire to avoid getting fired is just about enough. Set your own goals and have rewards and consequences (chicken tikka masala on Friday if you're all caught up on paperwork, overtime if not even if that cuts into your weekend plans) that you actually stick to.

Relatively few people like to work, especially on stupid bureaucratic crap but we've all got to do it. Try to think about why you got into your industry in the first place, and if the opportunity to save lost puppies or whatever isn't doing it for you anymore maybe you need a change.

7) I actually want to know what the heck is an RSS feed and how does it work?

RSS stands for Real Simple Syndication and it is essentially a broadcast from a website that lets you know that content has been updated. You set up a website or other collection mechanism (I think you can use Blackberries and stuff) and they monitor the incoming info and hang on to it for you. It is almost sort of like Tivo for the internet, but obviously nowhere near as cool. I think it started out more as a tool for keeping up on the news, but now it's all over the place, including on blogs such as this one.

8) What would you do if chicken tikka masala ceased to exist?

Actually, and it surprised me as much as it will you, but I wouldn't really care. I'm more of a paneer tikka masala girl these days.

9) When are you going to cook one of your yummy cheesy tasty dishes?

As soon as somone invites me to a potluck (with more than 24 hrs notice).

10) If you had to wear a toga to work, would you wear it proudly?

Hells yes! That shit would be so comfortable. My only concern would be wearing white all the time, so hopefully my workplace would support the modern toga, in a variety of lovely patterns and fabrics.

11) How about this for a headline? Beverlicious: Sweet and Saucy

Well done on noticing my secret contest! Unfortunately I think that headline is one of those things that someone else can say about you, but if you say it about yourself you look like an idiot. Wouldn't you want to smack someone who described herself as "saucy"?

12) With the newest evidence found by scientists supporting the big bang theory, what effect do you think it will have on creationist theory and religion in general?

Absolutely none whatsoever. The various churches of the world will continue to blatantly ignore science unless it supports their crazy bullshit. And on that topic, how can a "religion" that thinks we're all aliens call itself Scientology?

13) Walt, is that a rhetorical question?

No. And don't call me Walt.

Keep 'em coming!

I will answer every single question you guys have come up with but I want to make sure all of my regular readers (seven and counting!) have a chance to get their most pressing queries in so I'll put off my responses for a few more days. Here's a nice St. Patty's Day joke to entertain you in the meantime:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

FINE

You people are always hassling me about updating, so I figure it must be because there are things you're just DYING to know...so lay 'em on me, no question will be ignored and honesty is always our policy. Personal philosophies, interpersonal relationships, shopping tips, favorite recipes, and menstrual cycles--no topic is off limits. Take advantage of your tax dollars at work and let me Google anything you need! Come on people, if you really care about the state of this blog it's time to take action!

All questions will be answered in a post later this week...even those posed by nosy strangers who somehow found this entry one damn minute after it was posted.