65,536

Seems to be the maximum number of lines allowed in an Excel spreadsheet. I thought that was an interesting fact on its own, but since Julienne requested a real post I need to tell you that I personally feel dismayed that there is a limit to Excel. I thought the lines would continue to appear as I needed them, never asking for more than a few data points, never failing me in their rectangularity. But the day has come, we have reached the end of our journey together. I need to know that my database is there for me at 66, 67, even 90,000 lines, and it breaks my heart to admit that I am going to have to go somewhere else to find that*. But there was so much beauty in our time together, and I will always have the graphs to remind me of that. I guess this is just yet another opportunity to look beyond the comfort of the familiar and try something new, be it Access, SQL, or some yet to be defined custom platform. It's a scary time and I honestly don't know what's around the corner, but I hope my experience can stand as an inspiration to you all. Go out there and take risks if you have to, I promise that there is a system out there that will support most every need you have, and you deserve to find it!

*For you computer geeks: This is just a joke, please don't try to recommend a new database for me. I hate data.

Probably Worthless

I haven't had time to compare these to the "Sayings from 1500" email that was totally debunked on Snopes.com so they may all be total crap, but some are new and entertaining nonetheless.

• In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence! we have "the rule of thumb".
• Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
• Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
• Coca-Cola was originally green.
• It is impossible to lick your elbow.
• The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
• The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades-King David Hearts-Charlemagne Clubs-Alexander the Great Diamonds-Julius Caesar
• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
• Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
• Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.
• Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
• In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase: "Goodnight, sleep tight."
• It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
• In English pubs, ale was traditionally ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
• Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
• Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbows.

And the winner is!

Julia! For not only coming up with the best lame joke, but also for seeing that last entry for exactly what it was...me being a big old baby. I really don't care at all about what the signs say about Tim and I (because from where I'm standing they're all pointing to "yes" ;-), but for some reason I seemed to care what other people were saying and that was just lame. Or maybe I just had PMS. It's always great to have that to fall back on!

So Julia, not only do you have the pleasure of having me for a best friend and a maid of honor, you will be receiving a fabulous prize sometime soon! But honestly, the pleasure is mine, because having a friend who can tell you to stop being a brat (without pissing you off) is something every girl needs. Along with a Tiffany necklace.

Lesson learned

Or, How I almost ruined Valentine’s Day…

The conversation over IM went like this:

Tim: hey babe, people are asking over here and I’m not sure about this stuff...what is your sign, virgo?
Me: huh? ppl at work are asking you what my sign is?
Tim: we were all talking about signs and they asked me what yours was
Me: yes virgo, and yes I know that we are supposedly not a good match
Me: why are your work ppl asking about my sign? that is weird
Me: tell them to mind their own business
Me: what was their verdict?
Tim: are you upset?
Me: sorry we just got back online
Me: so yes, I was upset earlier but oh well, not a big deal
Me: so what was the verdict on our signs?
Tim: they kinda said the same thing, that we don't match up or whatever but I didn’t pay too much attention...I just couldn’t remember for sure what you were
Me: well I do think it is weird and I want to know why your coworkers are all up in my business
Tim: no they weren’t, I got pulled into the conversation, they were discussing each other's signs and were curious
Tim: and I don’t know shit about signs so I didn’t have much to say
Me: well I just think they are weird and should get the fuck back to work
Tim: I agree
Me: and I think it is rude of them if they said we don't match, what the fuck do they know?
Tim: nothing apparently
Me: fine then
Me: who was discussing it?
Tim: everyone, it wasn’t mean spirited or anything it was all in fun I suppose
Me: well what do you think?
Me: do you think it is necessary for people who I have never met to be discussing our relationship?
Tim: probably not
Me: okay maybe I am overreacting a little
Me: but it isn't like you were asking them
Tim: yeah it was really nothing baby, honestly. and yeah it’s none of their business, but I wasn’t offended by it. they didn’t say anything mean or anything, just joking around
Me: well obviously I am offended by it
Tim: I'm sorry
Me: well there ya go

And later that night at home:

Tim: Baby, were you really upset about that sign thing?
Me: Yes! I just think it is none of their business! Don’t they have anything better to do?
Tim: Just sit down, I’ll show you what it was all about.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird?! I just don’t see why they have to…
Tim: Just relax!
Tim: Now come look at this.

At least I'm updating a lot

Even if it is only with crap people forward to me...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Words of love...

As you've seen lately, I have no time for words of my own so here are some other people's (from Leah Garchik's column on SFGate.com):

"What I need is a man who will let me henpeck him.'' (Woman overheard on Martin Luther King Boulevard in Berkeley by Ann Erickson.)

"Remember, girls love eye patches and scars.'' (High school freshman boy giving advice to 11-year-old, overhead on the 38L Geary by Marcus Loy.)

"If I was a dude, I'd date me.'' (Young woman to man, overheard on ski lift at Heavenly Valley by Rachel Tiley.)

"The only time I really miss having a man in my life is garbage night.'' (Overheard at the Civic Center courthouse last Valentine's day by Lewis Gillian.)

"He does know you're a lesbian, right?'' (Woman to woman, overheard in front of Macy's in San Francisco by Diane Brauch.)

"I was looking for someone for just a really good time, but then I peeked at his iTunes playlist. He'd be serious baggage.'' (One woman to another overheard in Marin County by Capt. Steve Stevens.)

"I think you're very pretty and we could have beautiful children. And I won't stalk you when you break up with me.'' (Young man to young woman, overheard in the Financial District by The Chronicle's Pat Yollin.)

"He asked if I wanted to go back to his place. That's the same as the old-fashioned 'do you want to go for a cup of coffee?' '' (One young woman to another, overheard on the N Judah by The Chronicle's Heather Maddan.)

"So we went back to my place. Guess who passed out again? Yep, me.'' (Young woman on cell phone in Palo Alto, overheard by Craig Stark.)

"Does he have a pumice?'' (Woman to woman, overheard at the Gardener in Berkeley by Marshal Brewster.)

"The only thing is, his hair is kind of weird.'' (Woman to companion, overheard at the corner of Sutter and Stockton by Michael Mahoney.)

"There won't be a second date. That girl ate way too may noodles.'' (Man to man outside Union Bank on California, overheard by Catherine Luciano.)

"Well, he doesn't usually take off his boxers, so it probably wasn't him.'' (Woman in a San Francisco stationery store, overheard by Danielle Simpson.)

"When I'm in love I gain weight, like 3 or 4 pounds. So we have to be careful.'' (Woman to man with whom she is apparently contemplating a relationship, overheard at a Union Street restaurant by Nancy Hickman.)

"She's gross. He's gross. They're both gross. It's a good couple.'' (Young woman to a young woman friend, overheard at lunch at the Blue Plate restaurant in Reno by Anne Williams.)

"There was the standard drinking and flirting and ... a week or so later I was taking antibiotics.'' (One man to another, overheard on Post Street by Michael Smith.)

"Yes, I watch hardcore porn. Is that a problem?'' (Young woman on cell phone, overheard at the Gardener by Eryn Alana Leavens.)

"The date wasn't going well anyway. Then I look down and see she's wearing a (darned) toe ring.'' (One suited-and-tied man to another, overheard on Clay Street by Catherine Luciano.)

"I didn't realize you only liked me when you're drunk.'' (Man on cell phone at Van Ness and McAllister, overheard by Roy Francies.)

"She loves having sex in the morning, but she doesn't have a brain in her head.'' (Gentleman on the Larkspur ferry, overheard by Bob Ivory.)

"I love you, but your credit's not that good.'' (Man on cell phone, overheard at the Sausalito Art Fair.)

"I don't understand how the bastard could marry outside of (his) political persuasion.'' (Woman to male companion, overheard at Fourth and King by The Chronicle's Terry Robertson.)

"I said I love you and think I want to spend my life with you, but right now I'm in Safeway and I can't find anything, so I'll call you later.'' (Older man on cell phone, overheard at Safeway at Jackson and Davis by Luciano.)

"I think he married the first nonhooker he met.'' (Man on cell phone, overheard on BART by Alex Marmur.)

"This is the perfect wedding ring. It fits just great under my cycling gloves.'' (Newlywed Sophika Kostyniuk at Gulf of the Farallones National Marine Sanctuary offices, overheard by Mary Jane Schramm.)

"She always marries the wrong man, but she does divorce so well.'' (Man to woman over dinner at Insalata's in San Anselmo, overheard by Sally Shepard.)

"It didn't work out because a) he's 39 years old, b) it was Friday night, c) his mom was with him.'' (Woman to co-workers, overheard at Togo's in Emeryville by Dana Fong.)

"As soon as she gets out of bed to go to the bathroom, I'm out of there. I don't want to get stabbed by some guy with a knife.'' (Gentleman -- well, maybe not -- at Chili's in Terra Linda, overheard by Laura Bradley and her family.)

"If you think you've got to call the cops when you're going to break up with her, I'd say it's time to take a look at your relationship.'' (Young man to another, overheard in the elevator of a North Bay hospital by Barbara Jonas.)

"First wives are difficult.'' (Overheard at breakfast at the Video Cafe on Geary by Mac McGinnes.)

"She is my second wife. I'm actually much closer to my first wife, though. We've exchanged gunfire.'' (Man at Mel's in downtown Berkeley, overheard by Wes Haley.)

"Maybe my second wife wasn't so bad after all.'' (Nostalgia for the good old days, overheard at United Market in San Rafael by Stuart H. Brown.)

"She left me. Now I'm dating our goldfish.'' (Man to pal, overheard at the Tuesday Farmers' Market in Berkeley by Nancy Pietrafesa.)

"I picked up a bottle of wine and got home about five minutes after her. But she was totally surprised, so that was good.'' (Man on cell phone, along the Ohlone Greenway in Berkeley, overheard the day after Valentine's Day last year by Robert Menzimer.)

"I need two exactly the same, so that when I talk to each of them, I'll be able to keep it straight.'' (Man purchasing Valentines in Kard Zone in the Castro, overheard by Jeff Stryker.)

"He can't be that gay, he got me pregnant.'' (Woman to woman, overheard at UC Berkeley by Karl Leonard.)

---

"What do you mean ‘find one’? You are my sugar daddy.’’ Overheard in front of Chanel at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas by Ted Wuerthner.

Funny for Friday

Two snowmen were standing in a field. One turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"

Q: What is green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree onto your head, you would die?
A: A pool table.

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot!

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: "Where's my tractor?"

Q: Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?
A: Because he was a fun-gi!

Q: What did the guy with 2 left feet buy?
A: Flip-flips.

Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
A: Fo Drizzle.

What are your favorite lame jokes? A fabulous prize for the best one! Which will be determined very scientifically, by me.

Yes, this is funny.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

I'm siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick

How many of you did I take down with me over the weekend, before I realized I was a festering pool of germs?

Is this funny?

Q: Did you hear about the Dyslexic pimp?
A: He bought a warehouse.