Beverly: A Broad

FINALLY something worth posting about!

2007-08-30T17:57:00.000-07:00

Go, you can thank me later! Come back with a comment and if anyone is still reading this thing I'll tell you all about my first PSL experience of the season. I actually got a little choked up...

Overheard in Orinda

2007-06-17T22:01:00.000-07:00

"They're showers not growers." (Cal Shakes performance at the truly classy Bruns Amphitheater)

Overheard in Alameda

2007-06-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

"He doesn't know anything about plastics!" (Lower Washington Park softball field, A-town)

Did you feel it?

2007-03-01T20:52:00.000-08:00

The USGS wants to know...and since they are the ones funding my grandma's retirement, I suggest you all help out the cause.

Bullshit

2007-02-27T19:54:00.000-08:00

Has anyone seen the commercial for Trix with "New shape! Same great taste!"? Well I hate to ruin the surprise for you, but the "new shape" is really the good old fashioned puff from when we were kids, replacing the current sort of indeterminate flower. What, did their fancy cereal shaping machine cut into their profit margin too much? Can't they just call it Trix Classic or something? Why all the lies General Mills? You're not fooling anyone, we all remember the original puffs.

Any ideas?

2007-02-07T20:37:00.000-08:00

I found this picture on my Ipod Shuffle, which I bought refurbished a couple years ago. I really haven't done anything with the files on it since Haydee and Walt first helped me load it up with songs, and I've certainly never used it to store pictures so I have no idea where this came from. What do you guys think? What the hell are those things? How can I make money off this?

Why yes, I am famous!

2007-01-10T12:18:00.000-08:00

Thank you for noticing!

And big thanks of course to Krissy for making my wildest blogging dreams come true...

Tiki Tuesdays: Oopsie

2006-12-19T19:54:00.000-08:00

Little did I know that "posting the cat" was basically jumping the shark in blog terms. Apparently I've committed blog hara-kiri , but really I think it was reflective of where I was at at the time. I've been having lots of fun with the new job but it is keeping me hopping so I don't really care to sit at a computer when I get home. Not to mention I'd have to wrestle Tim out of the desk chair. Which I could totally do now with my mad defensive skillz (the key is bending the fingers backward). Oh yeah did I tell you I'm taking karate? And ballet? Well I was until last week anyway. Point being, I've been busy but I plan to be BACK in 2007 baby, and blogging better than ever! I may give Tiki one more chance to shine though, I think she's got a heartwarming story about bringing people together, perfect for the holidays...

Tiki says: "This is bullshit."

Cute Things My Nephews Say 2: Electric Cute-aloo

2006-11-11T22:23:00.000-08:00

Bev: Bye Nathan, I love you!
Nathan: Bye Bev, I love your earrings!

Tiki Tuesdays! Cats love the internet

2006-11-07T17:44:00.000-08:00

Tiki has shown a marked increase in teh internets since her blog posts rocketed up to #5 on the Google search results and it got her thinking about her favorite websites.

Like angsty pre-teens everywhere (Tiki is 12 human years old for those of you keeping score at home) she knows that she can always find someone who understands how hard her life is and how unreasonable her parents simply by clicking over here.

Of course Tiki also likes to surf the 'net looking for freaks, so she clicks over here to remind that she doesn't have it so bad.

And she doesn't talk about it much, but even Tiki gets "lonely" sometimes (she is over 60 in cat years after all), so late at night you may find her here.

That's pretty much it, along with all of your blogs and cnn.com of course. So Tiki wants to know, what are your favorites?

(Tiki doesn't love blogger.com, because it wouldn't let her upload any pictures this week, boo.)

Tagless MY ASS!

2006-11-03T15:38:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who hates all of these new "tag free for added comfort" t-shirts? My problem is basically that they are full of shit. I've found that the shirts (from a variety of fine retailers such as Old Navy, Target, and Mervyn's) are not so much "tag free" as they are "tag in a different and more annoying place." The new spot seems to be on a side seam, perfectly positioned to tickle you all day long, which is not nearly as much fun as it sounds.

Was the good old nape of the neck tag really such a problem? I mean sure, sometimes it would stick out, but was that really so embarrassing? I suppose the age old debate of form vs. function has reared its ugly head again. At any rate, I declare shenanigans.

Tiki Tuesdays: Snack time!

2006-10-31T17:33:00.000-08:00

One thing you should know about Tiki is that she looooooooves cheese*. I think it is one of those "pets resembling their owners" things because it's Tim's favorite snack too. I've tried to limit her consumption since she came to live here, but she still comes running when she hears the smooth sound of a knife slicing through cheddar. Or most other cheeses for that matter, she has a very well developed palate. A recent favorite was a nice aged gouda, and smoked salmon cream cheese just about sends her into fits. One exception is string cheese. She'll still beg for a bite and give it a good sniff, but she turns up her nose every time. I think she's crazy, but hey that just means more strings for me.

*Yes I know pets should not eat people food. Take it up with Tim.

Tiki says: "Where's the fondue pot?"

Tiki Tuesdays!

2006-10-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

Due to an overwhelming demand for MORE POSTING I decided what I really needed was a blog gimmick to keep me updating regularly. So I'm instituting TIKI TUESDAYS, because nothing says fun like a Tiki theme! Oh and by Tiki, I mean Tim's cat. Did you even know Tim has a cat? Well he does, and therefore, by extension so do I. She's actually one of the coolest cats I've ever had and sometimes it even seems like she likes me more than she likes Tim, so overall she has been a great addition to the Ingram family. But since you'll probably never see her in person (sociable, she is not) I decided to pimp her here, for all to enjoy!

One of Tiki's fun quirks is that she picks a new spot every few days and lies there until another one catches her fancy. It's a hot topic around our house and so I'm bringing it to the people. I give you Tiki's Spot of the Week:

Tiki's Spot of the Week is--Bev's laundry!

So close, and yet so far...

2006-10-12T14:15:00.000-07:00

Let's just cross trapeze arts right off the list of my possible hidden talents...

And if you're wondering how that was supposed to go, watch the lovely Jamie:

10 Things I Love About Hockey

2006-10-06T09:01:00.000-07:00

**And now I present a blast from the past! I started composing this post last May at the end of the '05/'06 NHL season, and before I knew it the '06/'07 season snuck up behind me. It kicked off yesterday and I'm happy to inform you that the Oilers are now undefeated. So, in their honor, and as a special shout out to my favorite hockey fan, I give you 10 Things I Love About Hockey (which is actually only five at the moment, but I'll keep you posted as more come up):

As some of you know, Tim is just a little bit of a hockey fan, so this season I've become a little bit of a hockey fan. My favorite team is the New Jersey Devils. I didn't catch any of their games this year, but I love their backstory. The Devs (as I like to call them) didn't make it far into the playoffs, but luckily Tim's team, the Edmonton Oilers, is still going strong. They are actually in the final four (or whatever you call it in hockey) and we're watching them beat up on the Anaheim Ducks right now. Like, literally. They are just brawling out there on the ice. They had a cumulative total of 40 minutes of penalties in the first eight minutes! It's awesome. So I've been inspired to tell you ten of my favorite things about hockey (in no particular order):

The penalty box. Let's face it, most professional sports players are just little boys, so it's only right to give them a time out now and then. Although they do have this bullshit rule that allows you to sub somebody for you. How great would that have been when you got grounded in junior high?

The players fall down a lot. How often do you see that in professional sports? That would get you fired on most teams! I have to give them credit of course, because I can hardly chew gum while ice skating, let alone hit a puck and punch a dude. I'm just saying though, I rarely go sprawling across the floor at work. Let's be professionals.

The goalie's helmets. This protective headgear is a work of...well I can't exactly say art, but it is certainly airbrushing at its finest. You don't get quality like this at that booth at Great America. Somebody obviously spent a lot of time working on the design, and I would like to meet the fine craftsmen (or women) whose work we see here --->

It's played practically year 'round. See above re: this season sneaking up on me. '05/'06 ended like five minutes ago, and already they're back on the ice. Isn't this supposed to be a winter sport? But it's cool because the playoffs last like six months and all of the teams are in them, which I think is only fair.

Tim loves it. I just find it funny that a cute little boy from Anaheim, CA grew up loving this classic Canadian sport. Note that this was pre-Mighty Ducks, though neither the Disney movie nor the Disney-owned team did much to inspire. Somehow he got hooked, and he's still a fan right down to his garters. Oh that's right, all those tough guys are out there wearing lingerie. And somehow he sucked me right in too.

So as we look forward to the '06/'07 season, and the triumphant return of the Edmonton Oilers to the Stanley Cup finals, I urge you all to put on a scarf and catch a game. After a while you may even be able to see the puck!

Happy Day!

2006-09-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

Avast me hearties, according to No Eyes Roberta (known to you landlubbers as James), it's Talk Like a Pirate Day! I'm going to celebrate by hitting Ikea's T-rate Day sale.

ORANGE ALERT!

2006-08-29T15:52:00.000-07:00

Attention readers: please be aware that today is the first day of the season of delight--PUMPKIN SPICE delight that is! Proceed immediately to your nearest Starbucks and treat yourself to an unbeatable taste sensation. I don't care if you like pumpkin or not (in fact there is no discernable pumpkin taste, just a medley of deliciousness), it is your duty to help me make this beverage so successful that they carry it year round. But don't take one of those lame ass printouts for a free iced beverage, which is apparently a hoax of some sort. I was told that only originals are valid, though it clearly states that you should "print and present this email" so if you were in the mood to argue you could probably get them to put out. I was so dazzled by the anticipation of my pumpkin spice pleasure that I couldn't read the small print until I returned to the office, but I assure you this drink is worth every penny. Now GO!

Wedding by the numbers

2006-08-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

So most of you have heard about the plans for my best friend Julia’s wedding over the past year, and it finally happened last weekend. BBeing part of the bridal party and an entire week of excitement leading up to the big day was an honor. And so to return the favor, I thought I’d write up a special entry dedicated to Julia and Tyler, so you all could share in the experience too. Since Julia’s an accountant and she looooooves numbers almost as much as she loves her new husband, I’m gonna break it down for you:

Average hours of sleep per night leading up to the wedding: 5

Average cocktails per night leading up to the wedding: 5

Bottles of champagne purchased for getting ready on Saturday: 6

Bottles of champagne that made it to Saturday: 0

Pins needed to hold up a masterpiece of hair architecture: 52

Pimples developed just in time for the wedding: 3

Hours it took the bridal party to get ready: 7

Hours it took the groomsmen to get ready: 0.7

Hours spent wearing the pink bridesmaid dress: 10

Hours spent worrying about the pink bridesmaid dress: 100

Lovely ladies standing next to me in the pink bridesmaid dress, thus diverting attention: 3

Times I said “Can you even believe it?!”: Approximately 1,000,000

Seconds it took for the tears to start when I heard “Here Comes the Bride:” 0.24

Times the groom said “I DO!” because he was so eager to be married: 2

Shots the best man had waiting for the wedding party as we walked out of the ceremony: 10

People it took to help the bride (and her dress) use the bathroom: 2

Spins the bride and groom worked into 2 minutes of dancing: 8

Gay men my mom slow danced with: 1

Straight men I slow danced with: 1

Bites of delicious lemon cake I had time to eat: 4

Trips to the chocolate fountain: 4

Prettier brides I've seen: 1 (my sister of course)

Happier grooms I've seen: 1 (my brother-in-law of course)

Weddings I've had more fun at: 0 (too young to have real fun--read: booze--at my sister's)

Brides I've seen in full make-up, hair, tiara, veil, and jammies: 1 (and I highly recommend the look, too adorable)

Times I said goodnight before I tore myself away from the after party: 8

Professional pictures taken: 560

Pictures I looked good in: 2

Cost of being a bridesmaid: $700+

Bar tab charged to my room by persons unknown: $16

Lucky bamboo wedding favors I came home with: 7

Near-fatal spider bites I came home with: 1

Fond memories I came home with: 1,001

So those are the cold, hard facts. If I got into the warm and gushy feelings the entry would just look like “Cry cry cry, I love you guys so much! Boo hoo hoo, I’m so happy for you! Wah wah wah, where is my cocktail?” In closing, and in deference to Julia’s mad fear of sharing personal information online, I’d just like to say CONGRATULATIONS Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and I can’t believe you went to Jamaica without me.

The only thing more boring than no post

2006-08-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

Okay you people keep harassing me about posting, so this is what you get:

I've been pretty busy and a bit stressed lately which is not a big deal at all because it is all good stuff, just requires a lot of brainpower. So when I'm asleep my mind is obviously making up for lost wandering time. I've had several bizarre dreams and I'm sure you're just dying to hear about them.

Last night I dreamt Tim and I were having a party at our apartment, which was actually my old apartment in Walnut Creek, but it was located down the street from my parent's house in El Sobrante, in this little corner market. Things were going pretty well except I was really worried about the number of people there. I kept saying "I had 25 people over for the Passion Party and that was too many!"

Luckily, the whole thing started falling apart so people began to leave. Jamie's boyfriend lost a key of some sort (for some reason I think it was a mail box key) so that led to some confusion as we all looked for it, but the bigger problem arose when we realized that one of the guests was missing as well. The missing person was an older Asian gentleman (from an episode of This Old House I watched before bed), and I was quite sure he was dead in a ditch, so when Shelley showed up unexpectedly from PA, I was regrettably too busy worrying about him to chat with her. Thanks for stopping by though Shel.

To make matters worse all of these other people who I did not know started showing up, but they said they knew a girl named Beverly Aikens who went to the same pre-school as my sister so they seemed to feel entitled to drink my booze. And they certainly couldn't be bothered to help us look for the poor old Asian dude. Of course what could I expect, Tim wasn't even helping me out. He was too busy rough housing with his brother, and taking out his earrings, two things which, when combined, apparently led to bloodshed. I was fairly upset, as you can imagine.

And then I woke up.

Better than nothing

2006-07-20T12:37:00.000-07:00

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Open usually, so there's nothing impeding me in my mad rush to get ready in the morning.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
No, most of those cheap bastards are doing combined shampoo/conditioner now and I ain't having that.

3. Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room?
Isn't that what hotel rooms are for?

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
I have street signs that were given to me, I am sure the giver procured them legally.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
Boy do I!

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
I'm too lazy to even cut them out, I just pile up the ads from the paper and eventually recycle them without using the coupons.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
Have you heard of bees? Well a herd of them is chasing me! (I will buy dinner for anyone who can ID where that comes from)

8. WHAT HAPPENED TO ..8?
It was attacked by a big bear

9. Do you always smile for pictures?
If I'm happy to be in them, yes.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who do not put their kids in goddamned car seats.

11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
They start out tucked in.

12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
Yeah, and I always do the 8-count even though I'm not a dancer or musician.

13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
The woods, the hills, the city streets. And a car wash once.

14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music ?
I make my own music!

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
Yes, I wish they were grape flavored.

16. How many people have you slept with this week?
Just the one, and I'm sure he appreciates that.

17. Do you like popcorn from those big tins?
HELL YEAH! Who doesn't love a carefully aged buttered/cheese/caramel combo?

18. What is your "Song of the week"?
I Hear the Bells by Mike Doughty. Again, dinner if you cal tell me what TV show I picked that out of (honor system, no internet searching).

19. Is it ok for guys to wear pink?
No, the world will obviously stop turning if guys wear pink.

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
Every night when I go to bed--god bless you adult swim!

21. Whats your favorite scary movie?
Nothing beats The Shining

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
IN the backyard of the mansion I would buy first.

23. What do you drink with dinner?
Cold and refreshing ice water.

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
A cheeseburger.

25. What is your favorite food/ cuisine?
Any Asian, especially if it is delivered directly to my door.

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. Oh wait, that is someone else in my house, but I still love him anyway.

27. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
Tim of course, but it is only noon...

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
Briefly, just so I could get into the camp. I got the hell out before they started pushing those cookies.

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
Sure, if someone wanted to see it (and pay for it of course).

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Do thank you notes count? If so, then I'll say hopefully soon (I promise the hike thank yous will eventually arrive--maybe in time for Xmas!)

31. Can you change the oil on a car?
Sure, I just go to Jiffy Lube and it happens like magic. I don't even have to get out of the car!

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
If it is off my DMV record do I still have to admit it?

33. Ran out of gas?
No, but I've had long involved conversations with my car about why it has to go just a few more miles...and it always listens!

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?:
Breakfast

35. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Sandwich

36. What is your usual bedtime?
10:30, just in time for Futurama

37. Are you lazy?
Never! Especially not when it comes to blogging.

38. When you were a kid what did you dress up as for halloween?
Usually whatever my sister was a few years earlier.

39. WHAT HAPPEND TO ..39?
It was attacked by a swarm of bees.

40. How many languages can you speak?
I can speak a ton, if you count verbalizing a single word.

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
God yes. www.freebizmag.com

42. Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
Lincoln Logs, I'd love to live in a cabin. How many sets do you think I need for 1000+ sq feet of living space?

43. Are you stubborn?
When necessary

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
Letterman

45. Ever watch soap operas?
BBC soaps are the best, I so want to be a Footballer's Wife!

46. Afraid of heights?
Sometimes.

47. Sing in the car?
Better there than in public.

48. Dance in the shower?
Hello safety hazard. But yes.

49. Dance in the car?
Sure, I love seat dancing, even at clubs.

50. Ever used a gun?
I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. And I've shot assorted other non-living things just for practice.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
Good lord...my sister's wedding in 1998 maybe? And def in three weeks at Julia's wedding.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
Yes, and that is why they are fnatastic.

53. Is christmas stressful?
Maybe if you're an elf.

54. Ever eat a pierogie?
Of course, they have them at TRADER JOE'S!

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
Homemade

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Ice cream woman, cruise ship captain

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
yes, but I don't believe in most of the "Haunted" TV shows.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
Yep, it's one of my favorite feelings in the world!

59. Take a vitamin daily?
Take it where?

60. Wear slippers?
Bear slippers, when I was like 10.

61. Wear a bath robe?
I wish I could wear one all the time

62. What do you wear to bed?
A smile

63. First concert?
Aerosmith, and it ROCKED

64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
Oh please, is there any question?

65. Nike or Adidas?
Puma

66.Cheetos Or Fritos?
Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Peanuts in stir fry, sunflower seeds in salads.

68. Ever hear of, "gorp"?
Lunch room staple at Valley View Elementary, and I developed my own recipe for hiking.

69. Ever take dance lessons?
Taken: yes. Been successful with: no.

70.Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
I dream of marrying an SAP analyst.

71. Can you curl your tongue?
No! Those irons burn like crazy!

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
No, but I did attend the Scripps National Spelling Bee (as staged for the movie Bee Season)

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Yes.

74. Own any record albums?
A coworker gave me Liberace's Greatest Hits. Let me know if you want me to make you a tape on my hi-fi.

75. Own a record player?
Now what would I do with that hunk of junk?

76. Regularly burn incense?
What am I, a fucking hippie?

77.Ever been in love?
Have and am!

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
Shelley

79. What was your last concert you saw?
Dave Matthews Band--what am I, a fucking hippie?

80.Hot tea or cold tea?
Cold and sweet

81.Tea or coffee?
Either one works as a vehicle for cream and sugar.

82.Favorite kind of cookie?
Homemade

83.Can you swim well?
I can avoid drowning for hours on end, but I'm not good with the actual strokes and whatnot.

84.Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose?
Dude, people can't?

85. Are you patient?
And kind, and good to bunnies.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
Both?

87.Ever won a contest?
Why yes I have. I was the first grade standing long jump champ at Valley View Elementary. Must have been all the gorp.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
Haven't but wouldn't rule it out in the case of a disfiguring accident.

89. Which are better black or green olives?
Whichever are not on my plate.

90.Can you knit or crochet?
I don't see what's stopping me.

91. Best room for a fireplace?
One with a chimney.

92. Do you want to get married?
I will if Tim can talk me into it.

93. If married, how long have you been married?
4 years (don't tell Tim).

94. Who was your HS crush?
Good lord, isn't the point of high school to change your crush from week to week? I'd need another 100 lines for that.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
No, there are much subtler ways to manipulate people haha.

96. Do you have kids?
4 (don't tell Tim).

97. Do you want kids?
Yep, can't wait, but I'm in no rush.

98. Whats your favorite color?
Breaking news! My favorite color has officially been changed to green! Please update your records to reflect that blue is no longer the correct answer.

99. Do you miss anyone right now?
I miss all of my favorite people whenever we are apart.

100. Who do you wanna see right now?
The parking lot attendant, because that will mean I'm going home!

Genuine, bona fide blog entry!

2006-04-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

In thanks for your immense patience, I am here at 7am on a Sunday morning to make sure that you have a brand new blog entry to start your week with! The fact that I m up at this ridiculous hour should tell you a little bit about how far off track my life has gotten.

Let's start with the big project: the hike. It is actually going remarkably well, but I still hate it with every fiber of my being. Well, maybe that is an exaggeration...it is mostly just the leg and lung fibers that hate it. Mentally I really do enjoy it, except for those few hours on Friday nights where I am filled with dread for the next morning. I am still one of the slowest people in the group so I don't make it as far as others (we focus on time, not distance, so you hike for 2.5 hrs and then stop and head back from wherever you are), but most of these hikes are tough from the start so I'm busting my ass right along with everyone else. I'm always amazed when I get to the top of a hill and look down to see just how fucking far I've come. It really isn't something I ever thought I would do. This weekend we went to Las Trampas park in San Ramon and it brought back a particularly illustrative memory: a few years ago, back in the heyday of the East Bay group, we went to the same park for a hike and about 15 minutes into it Andrew Polay and I decided to cut out and go buy beer. I was TOTALLY fine with that. Hiking is WORK man, and what business do I have working on the weekends? Damn how times have changed. But it is all completely worth it and I can't even tell you how thrilled I'll be three weeks from now when I am on my flight home from the Grand Canyon, hike behind me, mission accomplished.

In other news of pains in my ass: moving. Again, the end result is gonna be awesome but dude, ARE WE THERE YET? And the answer is, nope. Tim and I actually just got started yesterday, because there is nothing like a little procrastination to spice up your relationship. But we accomplished Phase 1 (securing storage unit) and I'm really looking forward to Phase 3 (profit!). Tim did get his computer moved over yesterday so it's official, he lives here. So we just have to deal with minor things like clothes and furniture, but actually that is going to be pretty easy so I think we're well on the way to successful cohabitation. Now get on those dishes babycakes.

And really, that's about it. I can't freaking believe that so much time has passed and I have so little to say, but there ya go. I am dead tired pretty much all the time (because I've also lost the ability to sleep in--hi 6:30am!), but it's that great "I know I'm accomplishing something" kind of tired, and it is especially exciting since it's all stuff I really want to make happen. And dear god, the end is so close I can taste it...mmmm, like chicken.

Slutty nuns are hilarious!

2006-04-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

A bus carrying a group of nuns crashed, killing
all on board. At the pearly gates St Peter asks
"Before you are let through, have you ever
touched a mans genitals?"

The first nun said "I once put my finger on some."
"Wash that finger in the bowl of holy water,
and you can pass" said St Peter.

The second nun said "I once touched some genitals
with my hand."
"Wash your hand in the holy water and you can pass."

Suddenly there is a pushing and shoving from the
back of the queue, and Sister Marie barged to
the front. "Well", she explained to St Peter, "I
want to wash my mouth out before Sister
Bernadette washes her arse."

I got yer update right here!

2006-04-03T13:51:00.000-07:00

I haven't been updating much because the hike is currently my number one project and I really only have so much to say about that...but now I actually have some breaking news for you all: I'm getting a roommate! His name is Tim and he's great, plus he's hot, we all know that's an important deciding factor. Hopefully he'll do his damn dishes and put out once in a while.

The time has come, my little friends...

2006-03-21T12:39:00.000-08:00

You asked, I answer. Walt, you may want to skip over these first few questions...

1) When was the last time you had sex, and did you have an orgasm?

Just for you "buttersnatch," last night, heh. I'm always looking for an excuse to make Tim put out! As for the second part of the question, nope. I think that highlights a fundamental difference between guys and girls: for us it isn't always about the orgasm, because you can get that warm, fuzzy, totally satisfied feeling (both physical and emotional) without a climax. Don't get me wrong though, orgasms are fucking fantastic (punny!) and I am very happy to say that Tim has mad skillz in that area.

2) Comment deleted

3) Pads or tampons?

Hi, it's 2006, tampons. I can't believe they even still make pads. All you need is one major accident (purple shorts, seventh grade, I'm still traumatized because I had to call my goddamned DAD to get permission to go home and change) and you will never again make that mistake. I don't wear anything at night (except granny panties) because I feel gravity is in my favor there. Except when I want some action, then I highly recommend these.

4) Can I ask why was the comment [question #2] deleted?

You'd have to ask the author, I never saw it.

5) I want to know how to debone a fish or roast a chicken.

One word: Martha. But I'll say it twice so I can give you two links: Martha, again.

6) What is the remedy for apathy at work?

Well first you have to decide what the problem is, you or the workplace. If it's the particular workplace rather than your profession in general you can ask your boss ask for some more challenging projects, or volunteer to take on additional responsibilities that are outside of your job and could give you a breather from the same old grind. But we all know that's probably not going to help. So start looking for a new job.

If it's more of a personal problem than a situational issue, you're just going to have to determine what motivates you. For most of us the desire to avoid getting fired is just about enough. Set your own goals and have rewards and consequences (chicken tikka masala on Friday if you're all caught up on paperwork, overtime if not even if that cuts into your weekend plans) that you actually stick to.

Relatively few people like to work, especially on stupid bureaucratic crap but we've all got to do it. Try to think about why you got into your industry in the first place, and if the opportunity to save lost puppies or whatever isn't doing it for you anymore maybe you need a change.

7) I actually want to know what the heck is an RSS feed and how does it work?

RSS stands for Real Simple Syndication and it is essentially a broadcast from a website that lets you know that content has been updated. You set up a website or other collection mechanism (I think you can use Blackberries and stuff) and they monitor the incoming info and hang on to it for you. It is almost sort of like Tivo for the internet, but obviously nowhere near as cool. I think it started out more as a tool for keeping up on the news, but now it's all over the place, including on blogs such as this one.

8) What would you do if chicken tikka masala ceased to exist?

Actually, and it surprised me as much as it will you, but I wouldn't really care. I'm more of a paneer tikka masala girl these days.

9) When are you going to cook one of your yummy cheesy tasty dishes?

As soon as somone invites me to a potluck (with more than 24 hrs notice).

10) If you had to wear a toga to work, would you wear it proudly?

Hells yes! That shit would be so comfortable. My only concern would be wearing white all the time, so hopefully my workplace would support the modern toga, in a variety of lovely patterns and fabrics.

11) How about this for a headline? Beverlicious: Sweet and Saucy

Well done on noticing my secret contest! Unfortunately I think that headline is one of those things that someone else can say about you, but if you say it about yourself you look like an idiot. Wouldn't you want to smack someone who described herself as "saucy"?

12) With the newest evidence found by scientists supporting the big bang theory, what effect do you think it will have on creationist theory and religion in general?

Absolutely none whatsoever. The various churches of the world will continue to blatantly ignore science unless it supports their crazy bullshit. And on that topic, how can a "religion" that thinks we're all aliens call itself Scientology?

13) Walt, is that a rhetorical question?

No. And don't call me Walt.

Keep 'em coming!

2006-03-17T10:22:00.000-08:00

I will answer every single question you guys have come up with but I want to make sure all of my regular readers (seven and counting!) have a chance to get their most pressing queries in so I'll put off my responses for a few more days. Here's a nice St. Patty's Day joke to entertain you in the meantime:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."